“When I grow up, I want to be a teacher. When I get married, I will have four children. When I’m retired, I will go to Arizona and play golf in the winters…”
We all have a picture of how life will play out; and then it doesn’t. It doesn’t go the way we planned. While we can’t know what our future will look like, one thing is certain: we all age.
For some, aging happens more smoothly than for others. And for some, additional care is necessary. In this article, you’ll meet people who have had experience as family members of a loved one who has needed additional care, and people who care for families who find themselves in that challenging situation.
“When we are taking care of people we love,” said Karen Wulfekuhle, assisted living director at Pioneer Cottages in Fergus Falls, “do we know where to go? Can we find our helpers? Our advocates? What questions do we ask to make the best decisions? Working in aging services, we often find families don’t always know what to do next when it comes to a loved one exhibiting signs of memory difficulty. To know where to go for those answers is such an important part of beginning to make those difficult decisions.”
Photo at left: Karen Wulfekuhle, assisted living director for Pioneer Cottages
Of course, we need a primary care physician to help us understand symptoms and provide a diagnosis. “Primary care is a very important part of observing the status of overall health,” explained Karen, “but many more conversations need to take place outside our doctor’s office. These conversations take longer than a doctor’s appointment. And you may need multiple conversations with different people in your family. I started working in this field at the age of 16 as a certified nursing assistant, and what I’ve learned over the years is we make much better decisions when we are not in crisis.”
Karen went on to explain we gain so much by genuinely listening to people who come to Pioneer Cottages staff for advice. “It’s really important we meet each family where they are,” she said, “as every situation is a little bit different. I’ll never forget one of the family members I wanted to help early in my career as a social worker. She said she was longing to call her siblings. She didn’t know her mother’s wishes so she wanted to reach out for help with the difficult decisions. So I suggested a private space to make those calls. Then she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘I need to call my siblings – but I don’t have any.’ My heart sank as I saw the desperation on her face, and that day changed the way I did everything. Each person has a story. Each family has different needs and different access to support. We just need to listen.”
“The Pioneer Cottages staff are an important part of this difficult journey for families, and they’re very good at supporting not only the residents, but also their families and friends,” Karen said, “I believe in our mission at the Cottages. The caregivers are called to do this work.”
Photo at right: Pat Johnson admires a bouquet of freshly cut flowers
The Johnson family of Fergus Falls would tell you Pioneer Cottages were the right answer for their family. “We began to notice some signs with Dad,” said Darin Johnson, “and we kept noticing things weren’t quite right. He mixed up his medications for one thing and we knew it was time to get help.”
Pioneer Cottages was the place the Johnson family chose. “We loved the Cottages,” said Darin, “because we found the atmosphere to be so much like home. It didn’t feel like a hospital room; it felt like a family lived there. Everyone was super friendly and went above and beyond to cater to Dad’s every need. The care they provided for Dad made it an easy decision when we had to find a place for Mom, too.”
Darin’s mom and dad were both residents of the Pioneer Cottages, although they did not live in the same one. “Mom quickly developed a routine after moving in,” said Darin, “and she’d walk over to see dad everyday after lunch. She always told him she loved him and kissed him on the forehead before heading back home to her own cottage. After dad passed away, mom kept her routine, and she does to this day. Instead of visiting Dad now, she simply enjoys a cup of coffee and visits with the ladies who work at that cottage.”
That kind of care is something the Johnson family especially appreciated. “They didn’t just care for our dad and then our mom, but they cared for our whole family,” said Darin, “and they know how important it is to have the whole family involved in decisions. I think we learned a lot along the way, and I can give this advice: Don’t just leave your loved one, even though they are being cared for. You need to visit, and you need to encourage all your family members to visit. And, even if you can’t visit in person, make a phone call. My mom loves to visit on the phone, and she might not even know who’s on the other end, but she smiles through the whole conversation. She even still calls me and gives me the business from time to time!”
We all need to feel loved, cared for, and cared about. “Even sometimes when people don’t recognize those who visit them, they still feel validated that someone cared enough to come. They feel that love, that caring. My mom had plenty of medical issues and we just thought she would pass away before dad, but she’s got something inside her. She’s a trooper. She’s got a real fight in her, and a real spark, too. One of the other resident’s daughters came to me and said, ‘your mom is Pat, right? You know, your mom has brought a light to this place. It’s all bubbly and happy and people are smiling.’ I simply replied, Well, yeah…that’s our mom!”
Laurie Strom is another family member who found herself in need of help. “My mom lived in the Twin Cities, so there were many choices in memory care,” said Laurie, “but I was really pushing for Pioneer Cottages for mom. I’m the youngest in the family, but I convinced my siblings that the Cottages were the right fit her. When we found the Cottages had an available room that faced the courtyard, it was a Jesus thing. We just knew we were being guided to Pioneer.”
Pioneer Cottages do have the loveliest courtyard, but Laurie and her family found so much more. “The family setting really attracted us,” explained Laurie, “where Mom could just go lay on the couch if she wanted, just like at her own home. We loved how residents would help with laundry or at mealtime. It was always cheery, and Mom was always happy.”
Beyond the homey feel, the cottages offered plenty of activity, too. “Mom would’ve spent 24-7 going to activities,” said Laurie, “and she especially liked the concerts and worship services. Pioneer Cottages went overboard making sure mom was happy, healthy, and engaged. It was wonderful.”
Laurie echoed what Darin said regarding the importance of visiting your parent or loved one. “It’s not always easy to visit, but you must,” she said, “They need to know people care, even if they don’t know who you are. That makes me think about the importance of the courtyard and the many beautiful spaces. They are equally important for the family who visits, too. Just one more way Pioneer Cottages takes care of the whole family.”
I asked Laurie if she had any advice for other families when their loved ones move into the Cottages. “I would like family members to know they need to continue living their lives, too. Most importantly, you need to remember they are under the best care. When you first bring them to the Cottage, you need to let them get settled. It’s hard to drive away, but necessary, I think. I also found you need to follow some kind of routine. I never visited during activities as they were already busy. I often visited right before lunch and tried to avoid evenings as they were always harder. One more thing I learned is how important it is for everyone in the family to make an effort to visit. You need to feel their support, so you don’t feel like it’s all on you.”
Laurie even gave some advice for when your loved one is gone. “Down the road, I think of Mom every single day,” said Laurie, “and now that we have a grandchild, I smile when I think about how Mom would’ve loved him. A little advice might be this: find something to fill the void after they’re gone. You get used to the routine of visiting and it can feel empty when they’re no longer there. Find something you love. Rediscover something you used to love and now have the time to enjoy again. It’s OK to live and remember. The sweet memories last a lifetime.”
Perhaps you have visited someone at Pioneer Cottages in the past. It may be time to visit again if you need information or maybe some sound advice. “Pioneer Cottages have evolved and changed over the years,” said Karen, “and I’m so proud of the way Pioneer is always looking toward the future to provide the very best in care for residents and their families.”
- Story written by Mary Dolan for PioneerCare
